So, I'm gonna be real.
Don't get me wrong. I'm usually pretty real. I guess that's my way of warning you that I'm walking on vulnerable ground here.
In the past, I've lost friends over being real. I hate that I've lost people I care about along the way. But I've also strengthened and deepened some friendships as a result of taking that risk. It seems to me that the value of knowing and being known and, ultimately, being accepted as you are is worth the risk.
In a word, I'm lonely.
I miss Jeremy. I haven't been able to hang out with or connect with many of my favorite friends in quite some time. I know I've told you this a million and a half times, but I'm a T-I-M-E girl. That, and "words of encouragement". So, with Jeremy out of the country with limited access to any form of communication, I'm savoring the little bits of talk time we get. He's always so good about building me up with his words. Most days his words are like a feast spread out on a kingly banquet table. Today, I feel like I've been on a celery-only diet of encouraging words. I'm doing okay, but it does make me realize and appreciate how completely spoiled I am! (You don't have to tell me. I know I'm ridiculous. I hesistate to tell you that the depths of my ridiculousness prompted me to email him a picture of my reflection in the elevator, simply so he could tell me I'm beautiful, but it's the truth.) I cannot wait until that guy gets home! As for my fav friends, it seems that summer has been met with complete chaos. I just plain miss them. And here's the vulnerable part, since I'm such a time and words girl, I get to feeling
a little insecure when we don't have those. So, here I am, a big ol' heap of weakness, trying to keep my chin up and my head in the game.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
I'm a fan of Superman. Nerdy? Maybe. I'm alright with that. Lonliness is my Kryptonite. Always has been. I'm not sure I can adequately describe to you how it affects me. I can remember times in my life desperately praying for a friend to really connect with. I know that at my worst times, lonliness was the force that weakened me. It can take me out in a heartbeat.
Maybe the saying "knowing is half the battle" is true. My thoughts keep retracing the thought that I'm weak; He's strong. I can't sustain myself, but God can. You ask me how I am, and I can tell you honestly, that I'm really okay. It feels a little like a warzone on the inside, but I'm trusting Him and there is a strange peace in that. A few times already in the last week, I've stopped and wondered how is fill in the surprising event/feeling/accomplishment possible??? And moment by moment, I realize that it's not me. It's all Him.
And I am totally fine with that.
(Not that He needed my permission to do God stuff! If my weakness makes Him look good, then I'm happy to participate. That's probably a loose paraphrase of what Paul was getting at anyway.)